I’m kicking myself for at least not trying to chat with the woman who was sitting maybe twelve feet away from me but left the room maybe thirty minutes ago. I’m not sure if she’s gone for the day or not – still have a little less than four hours remaining for today’s free “write in” – but I’d be lying if I said she wasn’t on my mind right now. Tall slim brunette, around 40? I can never tell, especially when some people take such damn great care of themselves.
I like pretty (beautiful? gorgeous?) women – sue me. I spent a huge part of my life trying to ignore that – otherwise, women will obviously think I’m just another one of those superficial men who care only about what a woman looks like, not who she is. Frankly it took me a long time to allow myself to even look at women, for fear that she or someone else might catch me “gawking” at her and call me out about it. And even before that, I shared the feeling with Jimmy Carter (and the Bible, I guess) that whenever you look lustfully at a woman, you commit sin in your heart. I wanted to respect women, even though I had no idea what that really meant.
I’ve resolved the matter at least a little bit by believing that you respect others when you get to know who they are and, regardless of whether what you come to learn pleases or displeases you, you accept them as they are. And I think that works in nearly every area of life, except for one: sex.
Sex is the brain busting puzzle of my entire existence. Being raised Catholic didn’t help matters, of course – in what other religion can you have so little information about sex and still wind up with so many kids being born? Although, come to think of it, perhaps that’s EXACTLY what to expect with so little information.
Six of the seven boys in our family went to seminary. The one that didn’t go is married (now over forty years, with three kids, four grandkids). The next six boys: married, then divorced (and now deceased), priest, married (two kids, nearly forty years), never married (me), married (two kids, twenty years), and married (two kids, thirty years). My three sisters: never married, married (one kid, now divorced) and married (no kids). What did they figure out that I (and maybe my older sister) didn’t?