Letting Go …

“Just thought I’d drop you a quick note to see how you’re doing.  I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to visit last week.  I was pretty whipped – and that other stuff seemed pretty complicated.

“Drop me a note, let me know how things are going:  I hope you’re doing well.

“Much love always …”  But was it more than I should have said?

I do miss her.  If she’s pulling away, it’s okay.  I don’t begrudge her that.  I had the perfect moment – even if it wasn’t what I thought I wanted.  I was able to tell her, with every bit of honesty I’ve ever known, that I really did want her to be happy.  I still do.

In that moment, on the edge of my worst fears and dread, when I was again afraid of that sting of rejection, the judgment that giggles at a poor sap playing way out of his league, I let go.  She didn’t laugh.  And I felt – wonderful.  I felt like she knew how crazy I was about her, and even though she didn’t feel that way about me, she respected my feelings, cared about them, cared about me.

And this time, it wasn’t that god-awful neediness that sucks the oxygen out of the room.  It was a moment of absolute calm, absolute bliss – a realization that I could be genuinely happy for her, and still know that I was going to be okay.

I hadn’t taken a chance on getting close to anyone for, oh, I don’t know, fifteen plus years.  When I opened up the office door that Saturday morning so long ago, I saw something in her eyes – something that said to me that this was someone I wanted to get to know, that I wanted to try again.

Looking back, what I saw was a genuinely kind, decent and loving heart.  She is smart, funny, honest.  She makes me want to be a better person.  Her love and friendship have saved me from myself.  She’s stuck up for me more than once, and it always amazes me when she does that.  Her love and friendship are absolutely fierce.  I am so lucky to have met her, to know her.

So if we’re at that point where I need to get out of the way, well, yes, it does sadden me a bit.  But only a little.  I want so bad for her to be happy, then okay:  I’m out of the way.  If I know her, I feel confident that she has already made her decision – she believes it’s best for both of us to give thanks for the love and joy we both know so well, and for both of us to get on with the happy lives that await us.

Thank you.  I’ll miss you.  Much love always …

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